9 Top Lessons to Learn From the Book
"It’s OK That You’re Not OK"
Here are some ground rules for helping someone during a difficult time:
1. Grief belongs to the griever
You have a supporting role, not the central role, in your friend’s grief. Grief is a very personal experience and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it.
2. Stay present and state the truth
You cannot know what the future will be, for yourself or your friend—it may or may not be better later.
You cannot know that your friend’s loved one “finished their work here”, or that they are in a “better place”.
3. Do not try to fix the unfixable
Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable, and you will do just fine.
It is an unfathomable relief to have a friend who does not try to take the pain away.
4. This is not about you
Being with someone in pain is not easy. You will have things come up—stresses, questions, anger, fear, guilt. Your feelings will likely be hurt.
It’s important that you be supported while you support your friend.
5. Anticipate, don’t ask
Do not say, “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call.
Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4:00 p.m. Be reliable.
6. Do the recurring things
You can lessen the burden of “normal” life requirements for your friend.
Your friend in small, ordinary ways—these things are tangible evidence of love.
7. Tackle projects together
Depending on the circumstance, there may be difficult tasks that need tending. Your presence alongside them is powerful and important.
8. Love
Above all, show your love.
Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.
9. Loss of Friendships
No matter what the deeper reasons are, the loss of friends you thought would stand by you through thick and thin is an added heartbreak.
The injustice of these second losses makes grief itself that much more difficult.